Secret Diary
by aylana88
Summary: Yuki discovers his lover's diary and is surprised by what he reads...
1. Chapter 1

Secret Diary

It was a normal and quiet afternoon for Yuki Eiri. He was typing in his office, with his cigarettes at hand and a can of beer beside them. He was working on his novel, but he was in no hurry, because his deadline was not close this time.

After spending several hours at his desk, he decided that it was a good time to take a nap, before his hyperactive pink-haired nuisance of a lover arrived home from the studio. He had about two hours of silence left for the day. He went into the bedroom and found it messy, as usual. He was not at all surprised, it was a normal thing for Shuichi to leave his clothes scattered all over the place. He meticulously removed all of the clothes from the bed, to clear it up, and tossed them over the pile already lying on the floor, deciding that he wasn't going to his lover any favors. After completing the task, he noticed a pink notebook on the bed.

Curiously, he picked it up. He knew it was Shuichi's, because he did not have such a ridiculous and stupid thing, and because his lover adored pink. He opened the notebook to the first page and saw that Shu's name was written there, confirming his thought. Yuki had never before seen the pink object in his hands, so he randomly turned several pages, to see what was written in there. He was astonished: he had found his lover's diary:

'Who in their right mind would just leave their diary lying around in the open for anyone to find', the writer asked himself. 'Well, obviously that moron thought it was a good idea. And, of course, he's not completely sane. I didn't know he could write… What the hell could be so important and significant for Shuichi to write it down? Not a coherent thing, that's for sure.'

Now Yuki was facing a dilemma: he could pretend not to have noticed the diary, close it and put it back as it was. Or he could satisfy his curiosity and read what was written inside, thus risking upsetting his lover. And an upset Shuichi was not something Yuki was in the mood to deal with, not at the moment or ever for that matter. The singer would cry, possibly even throw a tantrum, tell Yuki he is mean and that he hates him, and yell until Yuki would be so fed up with all of it that he would be forced either to throw his lover out of the apartment or to comfort him. The first solution was the easy one, but only the temporary one, as he had discovered, because sooner or later it inevitably led to the second one. So Yuki usually opted for the first one, because it was not so time consuming. Also, he hated to see his lover cry, it was one of the few things in life could not bear to watch, not that he would ever admit it to anyone.

After reflecting for a few moments at the possible consequences of his actions, he made up his mind: he decided that he was too curios to let the opportunity pass by. So he sat down comfortably on the bed, lit up a cigarette, randomly opened the diary and started reading. He figured he did not have time to read it whole, so he merely scanned for things that might draw his attention for more than five seconds. He read only scarce and random paragraphs, tuning the pages as he went on:

'_I love looking at him when he sleeps. He always falls asleep on his belly, that was one of the first things I noticed about his habits. But he doesn't sleep like that all night. At times, he sleeps on his back, lightly snoring with his mouth partly open; those moments always make me laugh. Sometimes, he clings to me, holding me tightly. In those moments I caress his hair and his face, lightly kissing his forehead. If I do that, he even smiles and snuggles closer to me, unknowingly searching for protection and comfort. He never realized this; I don't think he knows it because in the morning he usually pushes me aside, thinking that I was the one who started getting close to him. I do that sometimes. Feeling his arms tightly around me… it makes me feel protected and loved. I brush my cheek to his chest, holding him tightly as I fall asleep along with him. I love looking at him dreaming. He has such a peaceful expression on his face, being comforted by slumber and happy dreams. I hope he has a lot of them, I hate it when he suffers. But he has nightmares also. Not often, but I can feel him turning his head from side to side, sweating and throwing the blankets aside. He is tormented by the memory of his past. I don't like the expression he has on his face in those moments: it's the expression of a condemned soul, one who knows he will suffer for all eternity for actions in the past. I wish he would stop blaming himself for what happened in the then. It was not his fault, he was too innocent back then, an innocent child looking up to a fatherly picture that promised him protection and love. If only I knew what to do… how to erase those memories from his mind… I pray that one day he will be at peace, forgiving himself and forgetting about those events. It's too saddening for me to watch him suffer.'_

'_He cried today. It was the first time I've seen him cry. I didn't think he knew how to do it. But he actually cried. I was shocked to see his beautiful brown eyes filling with tears, and then wetting his cheeks. He was so upset and worried because I got hurt. He was blaming himself again. He had been afraid for me, afraid for himself, afraid of the memories that the event had woken up inside his head. I kissed his hands and hugged him tightly, telling him that I loved him with all my heart, that I'll always protect him and be there for him. Just stupid little comforting words, to make him feel better. He finally calmed down and started yelling at me to shut up because he had a headache. Then he confessed he hadn't cried in over six years, still angry. But as I started praising him for not crying that long and complaining that I cry almost every day, I saw the beautiful, loving and grateful smile on his face.'_

'_Sometimes I think that I am waiting in vain. That he will never fully trust me, never truly open up to me. I want him to completely trust me. Please, Yuki, please! Open your heart to me!'_

'_I remember when he was in the hospital for the first time. I heard Tohma-san say that he would be better off without me, that I was the cause of him coughing up blood. Yuki agreed to the suggestion to go to New York. My heart stopped that moment. I refused to believe that Yuki would be better off without me. But now that I think about it, if Yuki really would be better without me in his life, I would leave. I would exit the scene like I wasn't even on it. But it would break my heart and I know I will fall apart without him. I would be suffocated by desperation and loneliness. Or I would drown in the ocean of my own tears. I wouldn't survive without him by my side, without his twisted love. I hope that he'll always be My Yuki.'_

'_It's important for him to see that I love him. Too really feel loved, although he would never admit it and will always try to hide it. So I try to show it at all times. He always pretends that he is exasperated by me telling him that I love him, or kissing and hugging and snuggling close to him, or simply being in the same room with him, watching as he types. He always has this really angry expression on his face as he tells me to leave him alone, that I am a nuisance or an eye-sore. But underneath it all, behind his harsh words and scary expression, I see his love. After he manages to "get rid of me", while I turn around to exit the room, I always see a loving small smile on his lips. He can't fool me. I know he likes being with me. That makes me feel really happy. It's a warm feeling, to feel needed and wanted.'_

'_Today he really hurt me and made me cry. He was so mean, I haven't seen him like this in a long time. He insulted me in every way possible. Well, I was kind of pestering today. And he is stressed out because his deadline is approaching and he has to finish his book. The lack of sleep is making his temper worse than usual. My continuous babbling didn't help and he threw me out of the study, then locking the door. I ran into the bedroom with tears wetting my cheeks and spent almost an hour and a half crying. I finally fell asleep exhausted. Not long ago I woke up, still alone. I guess he's still typing. He'll probably stay up all night again. I'm afraid that these all-nighters will affect more his already damaged health. I'm not upset anymore. I understand that's he's under a lot of stress and pressure. I wish I could ease the load for him, but I can't help him like that. So I just endure and stay by his side… hoping for better times for us both.'_

'_He's so cute when he blushes… And the most effective way to make him blush is to gently bite his ear... it's one of the most sensitive parts of his body. I love teasing him that way, and I like his reactions… his cheeks have a shade of pink… he trembles with shivers of passion going through his body. Then he yells at me and tells me to get out. I don't mind… seeing him like that is worth a little yelling.'_

'_He was upset today. I don't know why, he refused to tell me. And all of my whining and acting like a five-year-old didn't help either. I could see that his eyes were read, like he had spent a lot of time crying. It broke my heart, seeing him so hurt and messy. After I gave up trying to get him to tell me his reasons, I left him alone in his study. But I was still puzzled. And I still am. I even considered calling Tohma to ask him if he knows anything, but then rejected the idea. I really wish I knew why he was so sad today. Now I'm waiting in the bedroom for him. It's late and he hasn't shown up yet; I want to be awake when he finally appears. Maybe he will tell me, or even let me comfort him. That's a scarce possibility, he doesn't want anyone to find out that he too can feel weak and hurt. That he too needs protection and love, maybe even more than most people. But he will probably dismiss my attempts as usual. If he does it, I'll just wait until he falls asleep and then take him into my arms.'_

'_He's not eating properly and is making me worried. He has a bad stomach as it is, not eating will only make it worse. Maybe he'll end up in the hospital again. I can still feel the panic that rushed through my body when I heard what happened. Fear blocked my thoughts, I felt my body heavy, then light again, like I was floating in an endless ocean of despair and sadness. I hope I never have to pass through that ordeal again. I have to get him to eat more… if only I could cook something edible. But I'll try to learn, maybe even get him to teach me. It would be hard work, considering what happened last time he tried to do it. Putting that aside, I have to think about a plan. If reason doesn't work, maybe begging him and throwing a tantrum might. It probably will actually; he knows that I'm worried about him and he'll do it, even if he'll pretend only to humor me.'_

'_Chasing a shadow… that's what he was doing in the past. That's the reason why he became a writer: to please a shadow, a ghost, a picture in his head. Regret tore up his soul, guilt, always blaming himself for what happened. But he's wrong… he's not the guilty one. It was that man who changed him so much. He denied himself, he punished himself for what he did, never offering his love again, afraid of another tragedy, afraid for his shattered heart. But he slowly emerged from his hiding place and, little by little, step by step, he revealed himself to me.'_

'_Usually he's in his study when I get home… typing, simply being Yuki, the famous author. Of course I rush to see him, kiss him… he usually drives me away, saying that he has a deadline coming up and that he's busy… or that he's not in the mood… or that he doesn't want to catch my disease called stupidity… in those times I leave him, knowing that when he finishes he'll come to bed and be with me. Still, sometimes he lets me stay with him: I either talk or simply look at him type. He looks so serious and mature when he types… he's focused on his work, immersed in the world he's creating, in his characters and events. Always with a cigarette in his mouth, always with a can of beer beside him… he's sometimes scowling… usually when he's reached a dead end… when he doesn't know how to continue. Then he has two tiny wrinkles on his forehead, a puzzled and contemplating expression on his face. He simply stares into space, a million miles from where he is… he's into his story. And after a shorter or longer while… the spark appears… inspiration spreads his wings over him again and he immediately starts typing again, with fury… like he's fishing the words and the sentences from his insides… pulling them out and setting them on the screen of his laptop. I like this part of him too… especially seeing him with his glasses on… it makes him look like a student… maybe a law student, preparing for his next exams. He's cute like this… no, not cute… beautiful: the intellectual Yuki. Seeing him like this always makes me smile and I feel the urge to squeeze him into my arms, hold him tightly, never letting go. But I don't disturb him: he would be angry at me and throw me out. And I appreciate these moments too much to ruin them. So I just stay there and watch him.'_

'_I love him so much. I wonder if he knows just how much I cherish him. And how grateful I am to have him. I thank the gods every day, for keeping us together and for bringing him into my life. I often think about the first time we met. He was mean to me, but I instantly fell in love. The first thing I noticed was his beautiful eyes, the most unusual ones I have ever seen. They immediately mesmerized me. He had a piercing look on his face. His wonderfully shaped lips were wrapped around a cigarette, and for a moment I wondered how it would be if I felt them brushing against mine. He had the most masculine face I've ever seen. And the final touch was his unusual blond hair, not common in Japan, and his well shaped body, covered in modern clothes. He took my breath away. He was like a fallen blond angel, or a humanized demon. My personal demon, haunting my dreams ever since we first met. I was blessed, although at the time I didn't know it. I wonder how it would have been if I hadn't sneezed my lyrics away. Or if I had taken a different path home. Maybe our roads would have never crossed. No, that's a horrible thought. And I believe in fated love. One way or another, sooner or later we would have met. Simply because we were meant to be together.' _

'_He was very kind to me today. Kinder than usual. He didn't reject me while I was embracing him, kissing him, holding him. He made me very happy… But still, I wonder why… I wish he would talk more. Tell me what he thinks, what he feels, what he needs. But he thinks that would make him look weak… so he hides behind an indifferent and ironic mask… it works with others, but not with me. For me, that mask is transparent, some days more… others less. Behind all those defenses he put up for the world, I can feel him… his emotions… his kindness… his love for me… his need. I wish I could take off that mask and throw it aside… I'm waiting for the day when he'll lower his defenses himself… It is better this way, I don't want to force him; I want to wait until he's ready… and pray for the day to come sooner.'_

'_I pretend… I pretend to be this constantly happy child, with no care in the world, oblivious of its surroundings, not seeing what's really happening around me. But I'm not a kid, not anymore. I can see their problems, their worries… their occasional sadness. And I care about them, worry about them, try to make it better by acting like an immature person. By making a fool of myself, I can always see their smile, after shaking their head in disbelief… they're happy for me because they think I'm not aware of what's happening… that's good form me… seeing them smile…seeing him smile…'_

Hope you liked it and if you're curious to see what else Yuki read from the diary, read chapter 2. It will be up really soon. Also, please review... I really wanna know what you thought. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

**Glad you liked the first chapter... I hope you'll like this one too. It turned out a bit longer than I expected... And sorry it took so long to update, but I was busy with school… A big thank you for all the people who reviewed the story! **

'_Today it was our one year anniversary. I was very thrilled and excited and I wanted us to do something together. We had a day off from work and Yuki was away all day. So it was the perfect opportunity to surprise him, because he hadn't mentioned a word about the special occasion. I figured I would prepare a romantic dinner for the two of us, with candles and everything, although it was a cliché. Because I'm a complete disaster in the kitchen, I ordered the food from Yuki's favorite restaurant. I prepared sort of an indoor picnic on the living room floor, with soft pillows that would allow us to sit comfortably. I spread candles all over the room then traced a path of lit candles to the bedroom. I spread red rose petals over the bed, after changing the sheets with marine blue silk ones. I knew Yuki would be back at about seven o'clock, so I rushed to take a shower and get dressed. When I heard the key into the lock, I immediately jumped and welcomed him with an excited 'Happy One Year Anniversary' and started kissing him. He struggled for a moment, annoyed, and then he eagerly kissed me back, wrapping his arms around me… 'Happy Anniversary to you too, brat', he whispered into my ear. 'Now get off me, you're making me angry.' I took his hands to show him what I've prepared. He wasn't surprised; I know he was expecting something like this and he smiled ironically. After taking off his jacket, we sat and ate together, although he was constantly making fun of me, of the candles, of the picnic. But when we were done, after smoking a cigarette, he took a small thing from his pocket and handed it to me. It was a gift and I was surprised, because I believed that he wouldn't bother. I opened the gift and found a gold bracelet with a small pink diamond on it. I gave it to him and he wrapped it around my wrist; after he was done, I started kissing him and telling him how happy I am. He smiled, that rare open and honest smile, reserved only for me, and took me into his arms and followed the path of candles to the bedroom. He gently put me down on the bed… and we spent all night making love to each other. It was the perfect anniversary for me, and I'm sure he liked it too, although he didn't show it. The down side was that the next day I was so tired that I couldn't wake up on time in the morning so I had to deal with K-san. But every precious moment was worth all the trouble.'_

'_The first time we kissed… I couldn't believe it was happening. I thought I was lost in a beautiful dream, afraid that it will soon end and I'll wake up… only the wish remaining, the desire… and the memory of the dream. I felt his soft lips lightly brush against mine, timidly at first, like he was afraid that I would not allow him to go on. Then he started rushing the kiss, he touched my lips with his tongue, demanding entrance into my mouth. I allowed him and he started exploring… I felt like I was melting in the sensations I felt, in the shivers of passion running down my spine. My heart was beating faster and faster, while he was lightly biting my lower lip, caressing my mouth. I had my eyes closed… I don't know how much time we spent kissing in that elevator. What I do know is that the memory of that first kiss will always have a special place in my heart.'_

'_I like reading his books, after he finishes them. And even before they're done: I sneak into his office and read what he has written. It's interesting to see how he changes certain events, before the book is published. I never buy his books, he always receives a copy of them, a copy which he simply places in the bookcase. He leaves them there, with dust piling on top of them, never getting them out to read them. But I always take them, read them, and even clean the dust off them. If I wouldn't do it, he wouldn't bother. He doesn't know I'm sneaking to read while he's still writing his latest book. Or that I've read them all. I like them… his books always have a great effect on me. The worlds he creates are always full of passion, romance, intense emotions. He pours a part of his soul into them and that's why they're so precious to me: because they're a part of him.'_

'_When I come home from the studio and I see him, it's like the world is brighter, more beautiful… filled with love and joy. It's a brand new world to me... I feel that everything is possible… that I can do anything I want. He gives me the wings when I want to fly… He's my muse… he inspires most of my songs. I try to preserve the moments that we share… either happy or sad… into my music, so that I will never forget them, although they have their rightful place into my heart. But I want to share them with the world… I want the whole world to know how happy and complete he makes me feel… although I never could manage to really expose myself to anyone… to reveal my true self in front of someone… I often wonder why…Then realize that I don't want to be a bigger burden to them.'_

'_I wonder if he has forgiven him: the man who affected his life so much. He never told me if was able to do it. Yuki Kitazawa… when I hear that name, I feel a chill running up and down my spine. He's the one who made Yuki lock himself into a shell and throw away the key, never letting anyone get too close to his heart, afraid to lose again. Kitazawa made Eiri the man he is today… he was such an innocent boy when he was growing up in New York, loving his Sensei. He even told me that he was much like me: sweet, innocent and ignorant. He was afraid for himself, for his sanity, emotions, well-being, for his heart… and for me… but I hope he has forgiven that man; it's the only way he can be happy with me, with his life. If not, I'll help him do it by proving that there is at least one person in the whole world that loves and cherishes him.'_

'_When I was coming home from the studio several days ago I witnessed something horrible. There was a couple having an argument while walking on the sidewalk. The man suddenly pushed the woman aside and rushed to get away from her by crossing the street… he wasn't paying attention… the traffic was intense… it was dreadful. I heard her scream his name, telling him to look out, but the warning had come too late… he was hit by a car. Everything happened in slow motion… lie he couldn't believe it while he was watching the car coming in his direction. He didn't have time to do anything. I heard the woman scream again… everyone around me was in pure shock. Someone called for an ambulance which came shortly and rushed him to the hospital. She stepped into the ambulance with him, crying, begging him not to die… saying that everything will be alright and that she was sorry… I watched the whole thing… my mind was blank… after they left, I started running home, running like my life depended on it. I was scared, terrified that something like that could happen and that I could lose him. I rushed into his office and threw myself into his arms, with burning tears wetting my face, holding him tightly. He realized something was wrong and started to rub my hair, telling me not to cry, assuring me that everything was alright. After a long time I managed to recollect myself… still holding him, I told him what I had seen and that I was afraid that something like that could happen to one of us. Of course he started mocking me, telling me how naïve I was and calling the man stupid for not paying attention. That's when the tears appeared again so he stopped and lifted me into his arms and took me to the bedroom. Gently laying me on the bed, he kissed me then took me into his arms protectively and told me that he won't let anything happen to me. I felt protected by his arms, by the sensation of being so close to him and fell into an agitated sleep. We didn't talk about what happened the next day, but I can't get that story out of my head… I'm still scared, not only for us, but for all the people I know and love. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to them. What I do know that life wouldn't be the same again… if one of them would disappear forever, my world would be darker… lonelier…'_

'_He simply loves the cat downstairs! I don't know if I should be jealous or not! Of course, this is yet another thing he tries to hide from me and the world… but I caught him several times feeding the cat and then petting and playing with it. He blushed when I told him that he looks cute when he plays with the cat and, again, started yelling at me… then he retreated in his lair to get away from my comments… I can't wait for him to come out. It's a lot of fun teasing him… and it's important to me because I think that it's yet another thing that lovers should do… and I know he likes this too.'_

'_I like it when in rains… a sort of sadness descends upon the world, casting a veil that hides the surroundings, forcing us to retreat inside, to get away. I spent with Yuki a beautiful rainy afternoon the other day. It was warm inside the living-room; the curtains were drawn so we could see the rein falling down upon the grey city outside. He decided to bring his laptop with him to continue working on his novel, while I was thinking about the lyrics of a song. It was a very quiet and calm afternoon, a very domestic setting for us both. I liked it a lot… I hope that we'll have time to do it again and again in the future years…'_

'_Last night he said something very puzzling after we made love. He told me to break him. I couldn't understand at the moment what he meant by those two simple words. But then I realized that he told me to break his present self and to reveal the real Yuki inside… to break the walls that still surround his heart. So it wasn't only 'break me'… the words unsaid were 'put me back together again'… and that's exactly what I want to do… it's my greatest wish.'_

'_I saw him worried today and when I asked why, he said that he was worried for Tohma. I feel sorry for him… he has always neglected his own life, preferring to rescue the others, to be the knight in shinning armor. Especially for Yuki, the most important thing we have in common. He even married Mika-san to be close to him. But she eventually left him, tired of waiting to receive his love, his attention. Because his main focus has always been Yuki. I don't know if he still loves him that way, but I'm sure that he cares about him. I hope that only in a brotherly way, for his sake, not for mine. I'm sure of Yuki's love for me… and I know that Yuki has never loved Tohma that way, and that he never will. Tohma should find someone to truly love… someone who will love him back just the way he deserves. He's not a bad person; I understood that he did what he did to protect Yuki, not because he hated me. But that's in the past right now, because he has acknowledged that the best thing in Yuki's life is me. I'm not vain, that's just reality. I don't like to see his fake smiles, to see him pretending like everything in his life is okay, that he has full control as usual. That he doesn't need someone's love, care and full attention and devotion. I'll think about this more… about a way to help him. I don't like to see anyone around me suffer, especially the people I care about.'_

'_I would do anything for him… even die if he asked it of me. He never leaves my mind, my thoughts, always present somewhere in the back of my head… my personal demon, ghost, shadow… angel. He's like a fallen angel to me, desperately trying to be forgiven for his sins… but nobody has to forgive him… he has to forgive himself… to let go of his past.'_

'_Today we got to go home earlier from the studio. I decided to take a walk through the park before heading home, allowing Yuki to finish his work for the day, not wanting to disturb him. It was a beautiful and warm late summer afternoon. The children were playing with their parents keeping a close eye on them, people walking their dogs, couples holding hands… I sat on a bench, just to relax for a while and watch them. Suddenly, I saw a butterfly. It flew for several seconds around me and then landed on my hand. The creature had beautiful sapphire blue wings, with various black and purple shapes on them. I watched it… until it flew again… higher and higher… disappearing from before my eyes… aiming for the sun. What impressed me the most about in was the contrast between its fragile existence and its determination. I think that my relationship to Yuki is like that…. A fragile one, held together by hope, determination and love.'_

'_He was so gentle to me the first time we made love. Because that's what it was… not just sex, like he said afterwards, it was love. He poured his emotions into that first night, unknowingly maybe… he guided me through every step, ensuring that it wasn't painful and that it felt good for me. I felt like I had arrived to paradise, to heaven on earth when he moved inside of me… my whole body was burning, I could see white sparks before my closed eyes… all coherent thoughts had flown out of my brain… He was very attentive with my needs, caring for them before his own. He's a very capable lover… even now, after so many nights of passion we shared, it feels like that first nigh… the pain and the pleasure were driving me crazy. That first time we were so close together, bonded like a single being. I've never felt so close to anyone in my whole life. It made me feel complete, it filled the missing parts of my life, my heart and my soul. Our bodies are perfect together…moving like one, feeling like one, reaching the peak of passion and pleasure together. After we make love, he always holds me tightly into his arms, caressing my hair until I fall into a tired but content sleep.'_

'_Ryuchi-san surprised me today. He wasn't his usual kid self when we saw each other. He looked really preoccupied with something, so I asked him what the problem was. He looked at me for a few moments, trying to figure out if he should tell me or not, and how much to reveal. I think then he decided that he could trust me and said that he is worried for Tohma. I know that he cares about a lot about him. I've seen it in his eyes: he loves him. I think he's always been in love with Tohma. The way his eyes lit up when he sees him, when he hears his name, when they're together. He knows Tohma very well, he know the meaning of every smile, every gesture, every word. Ever since they met he has waited for a sign from Tohma, waited for him to give up his obsession over Yuki and acknowledge his love… for them to be happily together. Their friendship is a sad story… Ryuichi-san has always been close to him, watching him suffer and strive for something that never came… and never will come. I want to help them be together. I have to find a way. Because even if he doesn't know it himself yet, Tohma loves Ryuichi a lot. They would be perfect together… Ryuichi is the perfect man to help heal Tohma's wounds. The time they would spend together as lovers is the perfect cure. I guess that Ryuichi and I are very similar: we both pretend to be unaware of what's really happening and we both love people with troubled and connected pasts. I just hope that Ryuichi will be as lucky as I am and that Tohma will finally open the door to his heart, even for just a little. I'm sure that Ryuichi will know what to do from then on. I have to believe that for Tohma too, love is the answer. '_

**That's it with chapter two… if you want to know what Yuki's reaction was… read chapter three. Also, there are still several things written in the diary...:P I hope I'll update sooner this time… I promise I'll try! Please review this chapter too! Thanks…:P**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews guys. This is the third chapter of the story… and I hope it will meet your expectations. Enjoy :P**

'_I accepted him as he was, as he revealed himself, with his past and everything. I think that was an important step in our relationship: the day he left me, but couldn't get away because I managed to find him again. It was then when he told me he had killed someone… and asked me if I could still say that I loved him knowing his past. My heart stopped for a moment, when I heard the truth… I couldn't believe my ears…But I dug deep into my soul and found the endless pile of love that is reserved only for him… I realized that no matter who he is, no matter what he had done, I would continue to love him. It was his turn to be shocked when he heard my answer… I said that I would always love him… and I meant it. I think the wall around his heart took a very big blow that day, and I managed to get one step closer to him.'_

'_I'm afraid that some day something will happen to me and he'll be left alone again. I know he wouldn't stand it, that it will break his heart into pieces small enough that nothing will ever bring them together again. if I die… he'll never recover. But even if I die, I will be with him… I would ask God to let me return to him as an angel and still be by his side, taking care of him, making sure he doesn't fall apart. But he would fall apart… his soul will not stand another disappointment.'_

'_He gave me a strange look today, like there was something on his mind. He looked at me with sad and piercing eyes, like he was analyzing us, our relationship. I wonder what he thought, what conclusion he reached. I often wish that I could really be able to read his mind… it would make things a lot easier. But I can't complain, I already know him so well. There are very few times when I can't figure out what he's thinking about. He probably doesn't know this… because he doesn't specifically say anything… We've come a long way together, but the road is still long before us. But we'll take it one step at a time, together, holding hands and never letting go.'_

'_Time has manipulated his heart… the time we spent together has changed his attitude a bit… not much… he's still afraid to 'loosen up'… but there are small gestures… like a small smile, or a kiss… a hug… allowing me to stay with him… agreeing to do something together…I'm not blind… I can see the changes within him… I think I got him to remember who he really is… I'm happy… it seems that time can really heal any wound… time… and love.'_

'_The moments we spend together are very precious. After a lot of begging and whining and bargaining I convince him to take me out. Walking into the park, going to see a movie together, going to our favorite restaurant for dinner are special and rare occasions and that's why I treasure them so much. One time, we went into the park. It was nearly sunset and after walking for a while, we sat on a bench. It was late summer so it was warm outside… we could enjoy the bird's concert… the smell of the bloomed flowers… the intensity of the colors… the wind blowing and caressing our faces, messing our hair in a pleasant way. I rested my head on his shoulder, watching the sun going down, the day slowly retreating to make room for the velvet night. He was holding my hands and for a few moments we sat together in complete silence. Then he kissed me, got up and we started slowly making our way home. I can still remember the perfect understanding that was between us in those moments, the feeling of him being close to me, the touch of his warm hand on mine, fingers slowly caressing my skin, the warmth and love that was coming from his soul.'_

'_Several days ago I was thinking what would happen to Yuki if I died. But today I thought what would happen to me if I lost him. I found the answer very easily: I would die too. We can't go back living without each other, not anymore. My heart and my soul could not stand being apart from him and one way or another I would die, to be with him once again. In Heaven or in Hell.'_

Yuki closed the diary and put it back the way he found it, although he hadn't read it all. He got up from the bed and took a bunch of clothes and threw them over the pink notebook. The things he had read were flying through his head. He sat down on the bed again to think.

His lover had turned out to be a bit of a surprise for him. Yuki realized that he didn't know Shuichi as well as he thought. He had always believed that Shu was an idiot, a cute one, a care-free teenager, oblivious of what was going on around him. Now he found out that he was actually very sensitive to other's needs and problems, sensing them even before the others did. He couldn't believe that his boyfriend could be so serious and have such a mature and developed way of thinking. He was astonished that Shuichi could fool everyone into thinking he was a child by acting so immaturely all the time. He even fooled Yuki. There was a part of Shuichi he did not want to show to the world, just like he had such a part of his existence. He understood that his lover kept that part hidden from him because he did not want to add another worry to his list, to keep him safe and protected; not to worry the ones he loved, because he cared too much about them and their happiness meant so much to him. Another surprising thing was that Shuichi always read his books. He hadn't once bothered to ask him if he did, assuming that it wouldn't be too much for his lover. But he discovered it was another part of him that Shuichi wanted to keep track of.

He thought about all the things described: special moments to Shuichi, moments he spent together with Yuki… his worries about the ones he loved. Especially his worries about Yuki, because most parts were concerned with him and their relationship. Now he knew for certain just how much Shu cared about him, how worried he was for his well-being, for his happiness. And just how well Shuichi had gotten to know him in the time they spent together. He knew how to interpret every gesture in the right way, even it was totally opposite from his actual meaning. It took a few moments for him to realize that his chest was burning and that he had tears in his eyes. The love that he was feeling for his young lover in that moment was greater than ever before.

'He's my guardian angel… ever since the day we met he has stood by my side, no matter what, refusing to be chased away, always returning with his smiles and his hugs and his kisses… and his love', he told himself, feeling the hot tears going down freely on his cheeks.

He continued to think about the way he had treated his lover, never letting him close, always driving him away from his real self, never revealing his actual feelings. Never telling him how much he loved and cherished him and how happy he was that he could have him. But he realized that Shuichi already knew all these things and did not ask for more than he was receiving at the moment. He appreciated the small pieces that Yuki offered him, kept them into his heart and returning to their memory every time he was feeling neglected. He treated Yuki like a precious jewel, caring for him in a way nobody had cared, knowing what his needs were and tending lovingly to them. He was the most generous person Yuki had ever met.

'I once believed in it… true love… then I stopped. Until a certain someone managed to open up my heart and release all the emotion hidden in there… he got passed all my defenses. I love him… I always have… he's the one… that special unique person… there is no one who could give me more love… he did it… he managed to tear apart that wall around my heart, finding a way to enter and never leaving.'

Yuki started analyzing his own emotions: he felt love more than anything. But he also felt guilty: for neglecting his lover the way he did, for driving him away, for never giving him what was rightfully his. What he deserved. And most of all, for not noticing Shu's real character.

Yuki heard the door opening and his excided boyfriend yelling that he was home. He knew the first place his lover would search was his office, as usual. He was grateful that he had a few seconds to mentally prepare for seeing his lover, after what he had discovered. He quickly wiped his tears away and tried to compose a normal expression on his face. He did not know how to act now… it was one of the few times he had ever been in such a situation, not knowing what to say or do.

'Hello Yuki, I'm home!', yelled the usual excited Shuichi as he finally found Yuki in the bedroom and jumped onto the bed to tenderly kiss his lover then climbed on top of him, hugging him tightly. Shu sensed that something was not normal, so he threw an analyzing look to his lover, trying to figure out what the problem was.

Finding himself so carefully examined, Yuki put on his usual face, hoping that it will divert his lover: 'Brat, get the hell off me! I'm tired, not in the mood for you and I'm hungry', his first intention was. But he rapidly changed his mind and flipped them both, so that now he was on top of Shuichi. The latter was surprised and started giggling:

'Well, it seems that you're in a mood to play today', he said and tried to wrap his arms around his lover again. But Yuki didn't allow him; instead he caught them and held them over his head, looking at his lover. He caressed his lover's cheek, looking into his eyes, analyzing the emotions that poured from them. The most important things that he saw was adoration, care, love. Shuichi's eyes were very expressive, revealing the singer's thoughts. Yuki realized that it had always been that way, those huge honest eyes had always been treacherous. But neither he nor anyone else took the time to analyze them thoroughly. He felt guilty for this and for all the other times he had hurt his lover.

He sighed and let go of his arms, and then caught his lips for a gentle and tender kiss. He explored his lover's sweet mouth, like it was their first time kissing all over again. But there was a difference.

Yuki put all his love into the kiss, all his emotions and feelings, trying to make his lover wordlessly understand how much he cared for him. Shuichi was surprised to see his lover this way, because it was rare to have Yuki willingly kiss him and being the one who initiates the kiss, so he enjoyed and eagerly returned it, perfectly understanding what Yuki was trying to make him feel:

'Tell me that you love me and that you'll never leave me', said Yuki after they broke the kiss in search for air. Shuichi widened his eyes, surprised by such an uncharacteristically Yuki request.

'Yuki, I love you with all my heart. I will always be by your side, no matter what happens, I promise', he said and Yuki knew he was meaning every word, that it was like an oath for his lover. He hugged him tightly:

'Thank you for being here', Yuki said, continuing to hold him, happy to simply have his close, to stay that way with him, the most important and precious thing in his life. Shuichi did not yet understand from where all that had come from, but he was too happy to care:

'Always…. and forever.' They sat like that for a long time, until they rolled again. Yuki took Shuichi into his arms and held him close to his heart, 'Where he belongs', thought Yuki, until they fell into a content, peaceful and happy sleep, never letting go of each other all through the night.

**That's it with the third chapter and I really hope you liked it. Sorry if it was shorter than the previous. I'm not sure if it's the final chapter… what do you think? I'm thinking of a story outside the diary… Please review and tell your opinion. Thanks :P**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey. Sorry it took so long for me to update. I wanted to continue with a story outside the diary and this chapter gives some clues about where I want to take the story. Please review, it would be very helpful to me to know what you think and whether I should continue with the story or not. Thanks a lot and enjoy! Also, if there are some spelling mistakes, please forgive me. :P**

The next day Shuichi woke up in his lovers arms. An odd thing, given Yuki's normal habits. The writer was still asleep and, not wanting to disturb him on a Saturday morning, Shu decided not to move just yet and to let him wake up whenever he felt like it. Gently caressing his hair, Shuichi started wondering where the 'happy mood' that Yuki had been in last night came, but he couldn't figure out, no matter how hard he tried. Although he knew his lover almost perfectly, he could determine what had made him act the way he did the previous night, where all the opened came from. Shuichi was sure that something had happened, something that Yuki would not reveal very casually on his own. Yuki started to move, so Shu decided to let the mistery unsolved for the time being:

'Wake up sleepy', he said in a low and soft voice. A small smile appeared on Yuki's face and he opened his eyes to see his lover. Shuichi's face was filled with love, and Yuki wondered how could the young man adore him so much, even though most of the time he was behaving like a total ass to him, shutting him out whenever he could. 'Maybe I should just try to change this, little by little, make a real effort.' Yuki kissed his lover good-morning and put his head on the pillow again, contempt to just lie there and hold the other in his arms. Shuichi had other plans in mind:

'Oh come on, I don't wanna lie in bed all day', Shu complained in his usual childish manner. 'It's Saturday, I wanna go out and have fun. We could go to the park for a walk, or go see a movie, or...'

'Or you could just shut up and try not to give me a headache so early in the morning snapped Yuki and instantly regretted it. 'Damn, stop hurting him you idiot!', he said to himself.

'But Yuuuki...', complained Shuichi and gave the writer a sad, though slightly annoyed puppy look, which sometimes had the wanted effect because the writer adored it. Not this time:

'Besides, this place is a mess and you promised that you would clean it up. We have guests for dinner, remember?'

'Dinner? Guests?', asked a surprised Shuichi. Although he was used to it by now, Yuki couldn't stop himself from marveling at how quick his lover could pass from one emotional state to another.

'Tohma and Ryuichi. Don't tell me you forgot. You're the one that asked them to come in the first place, although I can't even begin to imagine why you would ask this 5-year old singer here. He'll probably paint the walls pink, and I'm not entirely sure that you would have a problem with that.'

Shuichi giggled for a moment (while Yuki rolled his eyes at the sight, although he secretly loved it when his lover giggled) but then he started to panic. He had completely forgot that he had invited the two, he had lost track of time lately, being overly preoccupied with his lover. 'He's not a 5-year old child. And I have to cook, right?', he asked rhetorically. Apparently Yuki didn't think so:

'He certainly behaves like one. And I believe a dinner would actually imply cooking, unless you want to order something', Yuki offered, although he suspected that his lover would not accept that alternative.

'Yuki, stop being mean. I totally forgot that it was this Saturday and I haven't bought anything and the apartment looks like a hurricane victim and I have no idea what to make and...'

'Okay, stop. If you quit this useless babbling I will help you with all of these'.

'Really, Yuki', said an enthusiastic Shuichi. 'Oh, thank you, you're so kind, I love you so...'

'Oh God...', said Yuki, while Shuichi continued to praise him. Yuki got out of bed and headed for the kitchen, followed by his lover. He made them both some coffee, although Yuki was usually against the idea of Shuichi drinking it because it gave him even more energy than usual. But this time Yuki decided that the singer needed it, given that they had so much to do to prepare for the evening. He watched his lover putting sugar, a lot of sugar, in his coffee while he chatted happily, trying to figure out what they had to buy from the supermarket. 'If he is going to have a sugar rush I'm going to kill him', thought Yuki, though he gave him a warm smile; he loved when his lover had his head in the clouds. 'Wait...', he thought, remembering what he had read the previous day in the singer's diary. 'He might be just pretending.'

Yuki was facing a moral dilemma: to tell Shu that he had read a part of his diary and risk upsetting the singer or possibly even worse or not to tell him and hope that Shu would not figure it out on his own. Both options had their advantages and disadvantages and Yuki had no idea what to do. He decided to put the matter aside for the moment, at least until they got over the day. He sighed, took a cigarette from his pack and waited for Shuichi to finish eating the sandwich he had made himself.

After they finished, they decided to get dressed and run for the supermarket to buy their groceries before staring to clean the house. Usually a visit to the supermarket with Shuichi was totally chaotic, and today was not an exception. He was very stressed out about what he had to buy because they obviously forgot their grocery list at home. So they ran back and forth through the market, continuously remembering something they had overlooked. After that tormenting part of their day was over they went home to clean up and then, later, to start preparing diner.

It was a quiet day at NG Studios and it's president was relaxing in his office, drinking a hot cup of coffee with just the right amount of sugar and cream to make it perfect. The building was almost empty, a usual thing on Saturdays because most of the artists were away on tours and the rest of the personnel was at home enjoying the weekend. Seguchi Tohma knew that it his employees enjoyed a good weekend, they would come to work on Monday mornings satisfied and able to work at full potential. The previous director only gave them the Sunday off, but Tohma was not a slave driver... but only because he couldn't get away with it for very long. He didn't cut himself any slack though. Although he liked the agitation in the middle of the week, he could get a lot more work done on Saturdays when there were fewer crises that needed his involvement.

'Hey Tohma, what are you doing?', asked the voice of a happy young man.

'Ryuichi', thought the president, and looked up to see the singer entering his office with an excited look on his face. Ryuichi did not usually spend his weekends at NG Studios, but it seemed that lately he had changed his habits. He would come every Saturday and sit with Tohma in his office, writing a song or listening to music or playing with Kumagoroo or simply just being there and making conversation with the blond. Tohma found this thing very puzzling. He had asked Ryu why he rather spend Saturdays at work when he could be anywhere he wanted, but the latter has just smiled and changed the subject. This left a couple of questions marks on the table, but no matter how hard he tried, Tohma couldn't find the answer to his questions. The puzzle was starting to bug him and he decided to start getting some answers. A tough thing to do when it came to Ryuichi.

'Hello Ryuichi, please come in', came the unnecessary invitation, as Ryu was already headed for his usual place on the couch. 'I was just drinking some coffee and thinking about what are the today's issues on the agenda.'

'Oh, that's boring. You always do that, always so serious. Why don't you have some fun?', complained a sad-looking Ryuichi.

'Ryu-Chan, you know very well that if I don't take care of these problems that nobody will. Other than that, we will have plenty of fun tonight.'

'Uuu, are we finally going to Disneyland?', asked Ryuichi, his face all lit up and happy as a small child at that perspective. 'I haven't been there in centuries and yo promised that we would go soon and we'll have so much fun and...'

Tohma smiled seeing his friend so excited but then he put on his 'serious' face again:

'No Ryu, we are not going to Disneyland. We were invited to Eiri's for dinner, remember? Tonight, at 8 o'clock, at their house. Shuichi promised you that he would make something good.'

'Oh, I remember now! Even better, Shuichi is so much fun. Though' Yuki-San is kind of scary, especially when he is angry... Tohma, promise me that you'll protect me from him!', cried the singer.

'Ryu, don't worry, nothing bad will happen. We're just going to have dinner with some friends. But you must try to behave yourself, do you promise? No drawing this time, ok?'

'But it isn't fun if we don't draw or play games.'

'Fine, you and Suichi-San can play, but only if you do it nicely.'

'Why don't you define 'nicely', Tohma'. Ryuichi was not acting like a 5-year old anymore. He had a very mature look on his face, irony combined with a hint of amusement. Like he was quietly laughing at a hidden joke. Tohma was used to these sudden mood changes in his friend and decided to ignore the look on his face and not play the game.

'You know perfectly well what nicely means. Stop playing games.' Tohma decided to quickly change the subject. It was a bit scary when his friend was like this. 'You told me a while ago that you were working on a new song. Have you finished it yet?'

'No, not yet'. Serious Ryuchi was now speaking. 'It's kind of a love story, but one of the is oblivious to the other's feelings. At the beginning of the song they're not together. Both of them are quietly suffering, even though only one of them knows exactly why. I'm still thinking about it. I have no idea how it will end.' Tohma raised his eyebrows. 'I'm still hoping that it will have a happy ending, but the way things are going, it looks like it's not going to happen...'

'Ryuichi-San, are you all right? Is something bothering you?', asked a concerned Tohma. It was one of the rare occasions when his friend seemed dead serious. He had a sad look on his face... and there was something more in his beautiful eyes. Maybe just a bit of hope, resignation, and another thing that Tohma could not define. Something he had seen in Ryu's eyes lately.

'No, everything is fine', smiled the star and waved his hand. 'I promise I'll try to finish the song really soon. I want it to be on our next album.' Tohma smiled at this, but his concern remained. He looked at his friend while he picked up a magazine from the small coffee table and started reading it. Then he sighed and lowered his gaze to his desk, not seeing what look Ryuichi had given him.

The day passed on without incidents, Tohma getting a lot of work done with Ryuichi quietly at his side, never leaving the office. From time to time, the president felt that his friend was looking at him, but every time he looked up he discovered that he had been wrong. That gave him another strange feeling to deal with.

In the after-noon, Tohma decided that it was enough for the week and got up from the desk. Immediately Ryuichi got up, gathered his things and they left. They first drove to Tohma's apartment because he wanted to take a shower and change. It was only 4 thirty and Ryuichi started to complain that he was hungry so Tohma made them both a couple of sandwiches. They spent the remainder of the afternoon watching one of the singer's favorite movies. Then they went to Ryu's apartment because he also wanted to change his clothes. It was 7 thirty so they took Tohma's car and headed for their friend's house.

**Hope you liked it. Don't forget to review. Thanks!**


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